This topic is one that’s been haunting me for months, I keep wanting to write another mental health post as I love writing them and they’re generally very well received – but this one in particular is one that I’m quite scared to write, partly because it is quite a vulnerable topic for myself, and also because it involves other people whom I care about dearly. However, through creating this blog I’ve come to realise that writing for me is extremely therapeutic. Putting all my thoughts down into a beautiful piece of writing helps me understand what it is that I’m going through, and hopefully also help someone else through whatever it is they may be experiencing. I feel that I publicly advocate self love and self worth CONSTANTLY, I portray an image of someone that an ultimate girl boss who is very self aware of her mental health and everything else in between. But the thing is, I’m not okay, and I haven’t been okay for quite a long time – at least that’s what goes through my head.
Around four months ago, I went through the hardest personal life change that I’ve experienced so far – and it’s safe to say I’m still going through it. With my relationship separation came with drastic change to every single part of my life and what I had known for the last three years. Not only was I losing a person, but I was also losing friendships, connections, routines and a general way of living. A lot of things that made me feel secure and safe within my own mental health were suddenly stripped away, torn from my hands. I needed to teach myself all over again how to be content with myself, and only myself. I had to teach myself new routines, new budgeting techniques – I basically had to teach myself how to be an adult all over again, without the safety of another person.
During the separation, I portrayed myself to friends and family in a very mature and focused way. I was determined to keep my life on track and not show any signs that I was feeling completely lost, which was in reality the case. I had so many people telling me ‘how well’ I was handling everything, and I would smile and thank them – knowing internally that I was not handling any of it well. The reality was that I was in complete shock that a life was being ripped away from me, and I was scrambling to keep everything together. I focused my panic into finding a new job, finding a new place to call home and setting up an entirely new life – and once that was all set up, there I was, alone – indefinitely.
Now, the entire point of this post is really just me communicating that I’m not always okay, and I haven’t been for a while. I’ve always been a bit of a novice with the art of hiding what’s really going on, and I do that through social media and blog posts – promoting self love and self empowerment. I paint a picture of a happy human who is proud of where they are in life and excited for where they are to go. This is a facade that I have seen many people portray online, with no one really talking about the shit of it all, the reality that sometimes we’re not okay – and sometimes that period of not being okay lasts a very, very long time- and other times it’s only for a short while or a moment. But we all are not okay at some point in our lives. I guess I’m writing for a similar purpose of my other mental health posts, to share my experiences in hope for other’s to acknowledge their own health, and perhaps find comfort in knowing they’re not alone.
I know that everyone experiences break ups, and I’m not saying that what I’ve gone through is anything special or different to other people’s experiences. I’m more or less just trying to voice my thoughts on the process and how it’s affected my mental health, and how my health has then influenced how I live. Changes in our personal life are inevitable, and it’s okay for us to be mad, upset or lost as a result of those changes. After all they will eventually shape who we are as people.
Much Love, Ebony xo